Top 10 things I know now

Posted on 04/04/2011


1.  The first thing I know is that children are a blessing.  Children are a blessing when they’re ignoring you.  Children are a blessing when they remind you just how loathsome, out-of-touch, and vile they think you are.  And children are still a blessing when you’re not allowed to show any sign whatsoever that you might actually like them in front of their friends.  Blessings – all of them.

What else do I know?

2.  That pets were created to teach humans how to love.  I know my dog loves me mostly because she makes an all stops out kinda effort to show me love when I’m sad, grumpy, tired, or sick.  My dog greets me enthusiastically and still shows me love when she is sad, grumpy, tired, or sick. She loves me and I love her.

3.   It is a universal law that no bona fide human being can eat one single crisp (potato chip); one single chocolate biscuit (cookie); or one single bite of cake.  And if you can, then you’re probably not human. So please don’t try to prove me wrong before checking to see if you qualify.

4.  We all have friends of friends who we cannot abide.  Nor can we understand – and not for lack of trying – how those friends became friends of friends in the first place.  We wonder “if she likes me, then how on earth can she also like her…when we’re so ridiculously different?”  It just doesn’t make any sense.  At all.

5.  Working for other people is hard work.  At first it won’t seem like hard work.  It’ll disguise itself simply as ‘work’.  Until that morning when we awake and feel glued to the sheets.  Friends, that glue is called “what am I doing with my life?”  We know there must be more to life than this.  We absolutely believe that if we’re working so darned hard we should be doing so for ourselves. And unless we’re super lazy and unmotivated and working for ourselves is really an ill-disguised euphemism for Jerry Springer and jim-jams, then we should at least perhaps give it a try.

6. Passion is everything. Very little can survive without passion.  We can go to work and do our job – and even excel – but we’ll excel even more if we’re passionate about the rewards, the content, the atmosphere.  We can be in a relationship and go through the motions for prestige, for comfort, for the sake of the kids. But without passion, we won’t be fulfilled.  With passion, everything else falls snap into place.  Passion is the mother of diligence, endurance, contentment.

I also know that…

7.  Longing for someone who doesn’t long for you borders on the oxymoronic.  This is a lesson I strongly feel should be taught in our schools.  The earlier we figure this out the better off we all would be. Perhaps with the exception of scary stalkers themselves, who doesn’t love to wag an accusatory finger at the pathetic man or woman who simply doesn’t get it and refuses to face the truth.  But I propose that stalking is out-of-control behaviour that began with some frighteningly universal thoughts along the lines of:  “But I love him/her”; “He/she just doesn’t realise how right we are for each other”; “If I just do things differently this time, he/she will come to realise just what an amazing catch I am….”  Sound familiar?:)

8.  No one else but me can drive properly.  Everyone else fails to indicate as appropriate. Everyone else inexplicably crawls towards amber lights.  Everyone else drives far too slowly on highways.  No one else knows how to use a roundabout.  No one else but me deserves a licence.  They must’ve bought it. No other explanation makes sense.

9.  There is one thing about ourselves that cannot be altered by cosmetic surgery, or diets, or exercise.  Praying cannot change it, neither can therapy, nor meditation, not even spiritual retreats.  Our children cannot save us, a loving spouse is powerless, and even Oprah can do nothing.  That one thing is that at some point in our lives we all become our parents.  Hopefully not both.  But one or the other.  Give in to it. And perhaps pray a bit harder.

10.  While dining out with friends there is no way to get around the universal truth that no matter what you order someone else (if you’re lucky) or everyone else (not so lucky) will have a more attractive platter, with a better aroma, and way more mouth-watering-looking morsels than you.

C’est la vie!